Eleven signs you were a horsey tween in the 2000s

If you can relate to anything on this list, it’s probably time to start using an eye cream

While everyone else your age growing up might have adorned their walls with posters of pop groups, it was cute pony posters plastering yours all the way ­– and don’t get us started on the best way to display your ever-growing rosette collection. If you entered the century as a horse-mad child just trying to get their fix, we’ll bet you relate to at least some of these. 

1. It was crucial to document practically every step your pony took in a highly stylised YouTube video

Your song choice for said video was just as important as the visual content and those migraine-inducing swirly transitions. If Fort Minor intended to write ‘Remember the Name’ about anything other than 14-year-old girls and their fumbling attempts to nail a clear round at their local show centre, it’s news to us.

These days, teenagers have it all too easy with TikTok – you had to cut your teeth on Windows Movie Maker and virus-ridden songs illegally downloaded via Limewire.

2. You spent just as much time training your virtual horse as your real one 

It didn’t matter that the crowds in Equestriad 2001 were two-dimensional. They were witnessing you jump around Badminton to a looped track of Lucinda Green’s commentary, and that’s all that counted. (Bonus points, of course, if you knew the cheat codes and won the Grand Slam aboard a Shetland-sized version of Supreme Rock.) Christmas and birthday wish lists inevitably featured yet another game centred around the flimsy premise of picking out hooves and hurling yourself at fences.

3. Being on trend was suddenly more important than ever

And oh boy, what trends they were: skunk-stripe helmets, Joules polo shirts in an increasingly sickly array of bright pastels, prim quilted waistcoats and – horror of horrors – jods in a subtle check with a not-so-subtle coloured knee patch. The walking headaches of the early noughties walked so the matchy-matchy addicts of the twenty-teens could run.

4. Speaking of trends, you were probably as stylish off your pony as you were on him 

You had the perfect ‘going out’ wardrobe for any occasion – a tweed miniskirt with matching earwarmers, a crisp button down, and a pair of (usually knock-off) Dubarry boots. It’s called fashion; look it up.

5. You had at least one friend you’d made in a horsey chat room or forum

Before social media became de rigeur, forums were the place to be – and you sagely dispensed riding and horse care advice as though you were a professional, rather than a 13-year-old hiding behind the username ‘luv_eventing92’. You may not have ridden a half-pass in your life, but you’d definitely read about them in magazines, so you were well-placed to instruct others.

6. Tack catalogues were required reading

 Online shopping was still in its infancy, and let’s face it – it’s never been quite as thrilling as getting the latest Robinsons catalogue in the post and spending a blissful few hours marking out the things you’d like to buy in one colour of pen and the things you’d buy if you won the lottery in another. Heaven.

7. There was nothing more covetable than a bit of sparkle

Bling had made its auspicious debut in the horse world, and a diamante browband became the must-have accessory on the yard. The trendiest riders could be spotted sporting matching crystals on their stirrup irons, because the noughties were truly the decade in which taste curled up and died.

8. If you were lucky enough to have a horse or pony of your own, you did a bit of everything with him 

None of this professional-level specialisation – you and your best mates would enter every class you were eligible for at local shows and give everything a try at least once, which was always a wise strategy because it ensured the biggest rosette haul.

9. Most of your horse-world gossip came from the pages of PONY magazine

It was the only way to keep track of all the Whitakers – especially your hero, Ellen – and the posters were essential bedroom decorations. 

10. You absolutely idolised Pippa Funnell, and no other Grand Slam win will ever seem quite as wonderful

After all, she was the only person to manage the feat when eventing was still held in the long format – beat that, Michi Jung.

11. Wellibobs

Just…why?