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If horses had journals

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Horse peering out over stable door

Ever imagined what your horse would jot down at the end of a hard day being waited on hand and foot? We couldn’t help but wonder…

If you’re anything like team H&R, you wouldn’t change your horse’s unique personality for anything – even if that does mean he throws in the odd spook or occasionally evades capture. His quirks make him who he is and, although you know him inside out, you probably often wonder what’s going on in that big old head of his.

So, what if he had a way of conveying his innermost thoughts to you? Enter the weird and wonderful minds behind H&R. We asked the serious question of what our horse’s diary entries might look like. Here are the results – all we can say is thank goodness our equine friends don’t have opposable thumbs.

The mare with moodswings

7am Human was seven minutes late today and, to add further insult to injury, offered me a sugar-free polo. What a betrayal! Currently sulking. Maybe I won’t eat for a few days, that’ll teach her for cutting my calories.

9am With the chores complete, human saddled me up for a hack. Still felt quite sensitive following pologate and saw fit to spook many times.

3pm Human turned me out after our hack and I’ve not seen her since. I miss her terribly. Think I might have been being a bit dramatic RE the whole not eating thing. Have now remembered I quite like grass.

5pm Just finished my dinner, I was so pleased to see human but flattened my ears and bit her slightly anyway. Back in my stable now – I made sure to poop as soon as I got in so human would know how much I appreciated her hard work!

The gormless gelding

6am Made a pillow out of mucky shavings last night so my person gave me a bath. I tried to bite the water again but am sure it’s magic, because I just can’t get my teeth around it. I’ll work it out one day!

10am Just finished a great schooling session with my person. I could see my fieldmates from the arena so I kept shouting at them and they shouted back! Amazing. My person was shouting too but I can’t remember what she said. Oh well.

7pm Guess what? I’m at the vets! Fell over while galloping around the field with the lads and there’s quite a gash on my leg. Am settling in nicely but the vets have spelled my name wrong on the board outside my door. They’ve written ‘Ivor’ but my human always calls me ‘Idiot’? It’s a mystery.

The cunning cob

7am Spotted the two-legged one coming from a mile off and quickly shimmied my grazing muzzle back on before she brought me in for the day. She’ll never know how much I’ve eaten!

12pm Was super-hungry after my handful of chaff and balancer, but managed to score some amazing snacks! Turns out all you have to do is bat your lashes. So far I’ve been given half a packet of polos, three carrots and an apple. Ooh look, here comes someone now…

3pm The two-legged one came back and wanted to do some jumping – brilliant! Got a bit excited and did a few bucks, so she only let me do flatwork in the end. Rubbish.

5pm She’s just turned me out again and is walking away down the track. I gave her a big slobbery kiss goodbye and now all the remains is to find a suitable fence post to remove my muzzle with.

The racehorse in retraining

6am The girl wanted to ride me early today, so I thought I’d help her out by dragging her to the arena. Turns out she wasn’t happy with that in the end. I’ve just trotted off to the field instead but the gate’s closed, so I’m waiting for her to fetch me. I think that’s her in the distance?

8am She decided to lunge me in the roundpen instead, so I showed her how fast I could go around in circles and did those big snorts I’ve been practising. A couple of the other girls came over and held on to me while she got on. Silly really, I know you’re not supposed to go fast while they’re getting on – only after!

12pm My mind’s been blown – turns out the girl wants me to go not fast, too! I got the hang of it eventually and did some nice trotting with my head all pretty in the school. The girl was very happy and gave me big pats.

6pm The girl’s a bit worried that I’ve only eaten half my haynet so she’s given me lots of nice things in my bucket. Win!

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