50 thoughts your horse has at a one-day event

Your mind might spend the day racing at a competition, but have you ever wondered what runs through your horse’s head when it’s time to perform? Here’s what we think he’s musing on at a one-day-event

1. What’s this? Is that my person? I think this has to be the first time ever she’s been early for breakfast. Unless…
2. Hell’s bells, she’s got a needle and thread! I should have known plaits were on the cards when she tried to pull my mane last week. Well, she can chase me for a few laps of the stable before she gets going.
3. Ahh, travel boots. Give me a second, I need to remember how to walk.
4. The ramp’s down. Haynet waiting in the lorry. The question remains: should I mess with her and refuse to get on it at first for absolutely no reason whatsoever?
5. Heavens, I’ve just realised – I’m plaited up. And in the lorry. Too late to back out now, we’re on the road! Please don’t be dressage, please don’t be dressage.
6. OH, THANK GOD IT’S EVENTING.
7. This place is grass as far as the eye can see! Darn this leadrope, why has she tied me up so short? If I could just reach…
8. Yes! The twine’s snapped. I wonder if my human would mind if I did a lap of the lorry park?
9. I should probably let her catch me, it’s been 20 minutes. At least she’s warmed up now.
10. Do we have to do the dressage phase? Everyone else is having fun over jumps!
11. Ugh, looks like we’re entering at A.
12. This is so boring.
13. Go ahead, let your reins out for a free walk. See what happens.
14. FINALLY, halt and salute.
15. Okay, I’m definitely ready to jump now. Hold on, why are we going back to the lorry?
16. At least there’s my haynet.
17. Ooh the boots are going on! Let’s get to that warm-up!
18. Oh my, this is chaos. Why’s everyone in such a rush? Should I jog? I think I’ll jog.
19. Oi, pea brain, time’s a-ticking. Can we jump something now?
20. Okay, okay, I know I took that fence a bit fast but did you really need to announce it to the entire collecting ring, human? Honestly, talk about amateur hour.
21. Into the ring we go. I really hope you walked the course this time because we both know what happens when you forget to steer.
22. Hmm that was an interesting distance. Here’s an idea, why don’t you leave the next ones to me?
23. I don’t like the look of this oxer, let’s give it an extra foot for laugh. Hold on.
24. For the love of God, if you’re going to take corners like that put studs in!
25. Is that it? Right, well I’m thoroughly loosened up and ready for cross-country now. Bring it on!
26. Back to the lorry AGAIN?! What is it with humans and waiting?
27. Yeah, you put those studs in, love. It’s not like I would’ve appreciated them TWO PHASES AGO.
28. Why couldn’t you have made up your mind on plaits before we left? Now I’ve got to go around looking like I’ve had some kind of low-rent perm.
29. Actually, you know what? Just for that I’m going to dither while you try and get back on.
30. Cross-country warm-up! My favourite. You give me a direction and I’ll gallop in it.
31. Oh, come on. I really don’t think there’s any point in asking me for an outline.
32. God, I love the start box. I feel like a racehorse.
33. LET’S GOOOOOOOO.
34. I don’t know about you but I’m absolutely LOVING this!
35. No, don’t half-halt! I’ll just take this rolltop on a flier.
36. WHEEEEEEEEE!
37. Erm, you didn’t say there would be a coffin. You know how I feel about ditches!
38. You know what, I have to respect the way you handled my attempt to run out there.
39. Does it matter if we took out the flag? Asking for a friend.
40. If you want me to jump into the water here then I reserve the right to cat leap.
41. I’ve always said stirrups were overrated. Well sat, though.
42. Who makes the second to last fence a pair of brush skinnies? Honestly.
43. Aaaand through the flags! Well, we definitely won’t have any penalties for being over the time.
44. Thanks for all the pats but seriously, thank you. That was a blast!
45. A whole packet of mints? Pour moi?
46. Yes, I am incredibly thirsty. No, I won’t drink until we’re home.
47. If you want to use it up, though, feel free to pour another bucket all over me.
48. No mucking about, get that ramp down and get me home to bed.
49. Excuse me? Yeah, while you were making my dinner I drained the bucket in my stable. Refill, please.
50. Yessss, double portions! Thanks, human!